Caught the last 45 minutes of this on cable last night. It’s literally been ages since I’ve seen this train wreck, and watching it again now proves that it’s even worse than I thought. The original film, while having its fair share of cheese, is still a worthwhile movie to check out. The creators of the franchise had absolute control over the original movie and I think it showed. In part 2 it’s pretty obvious that the suits got a hold of this franchise and decided to make an extremely manufactured film. The entire Vanilla Ice segment is painful to watch. It really is the first Jump the Shark moment in Turtle history. The Turtles themselves not only look terrible (how can the costumes actually downgrade with the sequel? And to think they get worse looking in part 3) but don’t say or do anything worthwhile through the duration of the movie.

Donatello in particular looks like Kiddy Kong, with this big stupid jaw, and at one point he’s upset because he finds out that the turtles were created by mistake. He then boo hoos to Master Splinter saying he thought maybe they were a little more special than he originally believed. Donetello would never question science, and he would understand completely that they’re a genetic mutation that was nothing more than a freak accident. I could see Mikey bitching about this since he’s the dumbest turtle of the group, but regardless, what the hell is the big let down? Freak accident or not, they are special because how many fucking turtles are walking around kicking ass? Four. So he better shut his flipping pie hole about being special. What a worthless plot point in a worthless movie.

Speaking of kicking ass and being ninjas, everyone in this movie is the worst ninja ever. In the scene where the Turtles confront Tokka and Razar, Leo comes out like he’s sneaking around and walking all quietly yet he is out in the open clear as day. John Locke could have picked him off from three miles away. So then Tokka and Rahzar come out, who are actually worse than I remembered, (I remember Razar looking so awesome when I was a kid, and he looks like a pile of shit with fur and teeth) and the “fun” begins. The turtles are surrounded by foot soldiers, the Shredder, that bald guy, and the two big bad mutants. And somehow the Turtles manage to not get the absolute shit kicked out of them, nor beat up anyone themselves. They just kind of get thrown in the Vanilla Ice club (literally) and fumble and dance their way to victory. At one point, the Shred shows up holding the “last” vile of ooze, and he’s standing there like a complete cock sucker just hoolding the can out for everyone to see. Then the kid from Red Sonja shows up and kicks the can right out of Shreds hand. Now lets not forget that this is the Shredder. At this moment, he would have just snapped that kids neck. Actually, he would never have ever let that kid kick the can out of his hand. He would have just sliced the kid’s leg off in mid kick. Shredder spent all this time making himself and his helmet extra sharp and he never does anything. Shredder never fights anyone or anything during this entire movie. He just kind of stands around and yells like an asshole for an hour and a half.

As if getting the canister kicked out of his hands wasn’t enough, Mikey (or Raph, I forget) grabs a keyboard and wails on it, causing a speaker to blow Shredder out of the building. Seriously. Embarrassed, the Shred drinks the vile of ooze and turns himself into Kevin Nash. I guess since his ninja moves weren’t working out, he might as well just become a meat head wrestler and see if a few suplexes can’t get him to victory. So instead of actually trying to fight the turtles in his new super state, he proceeds to act like a maniac and knock an entire dock over onto himself. So again, the Turtles never actually fight the Shredster. Also, how does knocking a dock down kill him? In the original movie he falls off a 50-story building, into a garbage truck, then crushed in the garbage truck, only to wake up a few weeks later unscathed in a dump. That was when he was just a regular human too. Again, how the hell does Super Shredder die by a couple of two by fours? It just makes me hate this movie ever more than I already do.

I can remember when this movie came out and I actually had arguments with my friends about the first movie being better than the second. For some reason everyone seemed to like the second movie better. It is good to know that today I was right in that the first movie truly is the superior film. At the same time, it’s also sad to know that I still give a crap about something like that. If I had that conversation with the same people today, they’d probably just say “who cares about TMNT anymore?” At that point, I’d wail on a keyboard and send them to the moon.