Now, I’m not talking about the song and I’m not talking about poor old Rudolph himself… I’m talking about the TV special with all the goddamn puppets. It’s not the puppets that bother me either… they were pretty damn innovative for their time. My problem with Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer… is that every single character in it, other than Rudolph and the little elf dentist Hermie, is a complete and total asshole.

Seriously now, I was watching this with my daughter and I was just cringing at the way these rat-bastards treat Rudolph like a total piece of shit. Let’s go down the list shall we?

• Donner (Rudolph’s Dad): Asshole
• Comet (The coach): Asshole
• Santa Claus: Biggest fucking Asshole of them all (I’ll get to him later)
• Elf Manager: Asshole
• Other Elves: Assholes
• Other Reindeer: Assholes

I swear to god if Rudolph was grounded in any form of reality, you’d have CNN helicopters circling Santa’s workshop while Rudolph and Hermie methodically gunned down every son of a bitch that worked in that hell-hole. Honestly, they all deserved to die and burn in hell… no judge in the world would convict Rudolph if he saw 5 minutes of that bullshit.

Oh yeah… and what was the deal with making Santa Claus such a huge prick? He shows up in the beginning right after Rudolph pops out of his mom’s birth canal and starts giving Donner a rash of shit about the kid’s nose. If someone started ragging on my kid right after she was born, I’d have beaten their goddamn skull in with an IV cart. Who the fuck is Santa Claus to be going around pointing out people’s inadequacies anyway? What a fat piece of shit.

A little later on, we’re treated to Santa shitting all over his elves (slave labor) as they try to perform some ridiculous “Santa’s so great, let’s all suck his dick” song. He’s sitting there with a huge bug up his ass about something and isn’t even paying attention. Then he gets up, tells them their song sucked and storms out of the room. Way to portray the holly-jolliest guy in the world as a complete scumbag, really nice work. If that’s the kind of guy Santa Claus is I’d just as soon shove my Christmas tree right up his fat ass and kick him out the door.

I’m getting off track here…

So Rudolph and Hermie get shit on by everyone, ostracized by their community and forced into exile. Then they spend a long time running around, trying not to get eaten by a monster and trying not to get molested by some weird pedophile with a red beard. They basically go from being the scum of the earth, to living in destitute… really great story we’re telling the kids here. Then, they return home and everyone is like “oh well, it sucks that you’re a freak but you can live here anyway”. Rudolph’s dad makes some half-assed apology and Santa… honestly… I don’t know what he does. I guess he’s just Santa, so everyone has to get on their knees and blow him… or they’re out in the cold again. What a douche-bag.

So finally, Christmas is about to be ruined because theres a bad storm. Santa is up there making a speech about canceling Jesus’ birthday because his piece of shit sleigh doesn’t have headlights when all of a sudden, he sees a way to exploit his old whipping boy… Rudolph. So under the guise of caring about him and feeling bad about treating him like garbage his whole life, Santa straps Rudolph to his sleigh and enslaves him… making him a cog in the machine that had rejected him since he was born.

By this point, I just wanted to murder Santa Claus and everyone else in this goddamn show. What kind of moral is this story anyway? “You’re a piece of shit unless we find some use for you”. Lovely, that’s exactly the kind of message I want my kid to get. Nothing like being beaten down at an early age. So anyway, I turned that shit off and switched to something a little more enlightening… the story of a deranged green sociopath who stalks a small town and steals every last thing they own on Christmas eve. Screw it, I’m just gonna turn off the goddamn TV and read her the latest issue of Hustler.

Merry Christmas, ya piece of shit.