When Phil went to Japan, he came back with a few goodies for all the family. The kids all got some of those UFO bubble toys, and I got a one of those pixel art deals. Its pretty cool. Its basically a bunch of colored pegs that you plug into a plastic grid to form an 8-bit Nintendo character. I got a Goomba from the origianal Super Mario Bros. If I want to, I can also make a variation of a squashed Goomba.

Oh, and I also got a block of CalorieMate, too.

I first heard of CalorieMate from Metal Gear Solid 3. In that game, Snake has to hunt food in the wild in order to survive. Along the way, you can pick up such goodies as ramen noodles and CalorieMates which give you the biggest boost of stamina in the game. In fact, you start the game out with one in your backpack. They’re so good, they make Snake exclaim “pretty tasty!” after he gulps it down.

Later, I found that Keifer Sutherland had done a commercial in Japan for CalorieMate. He’s playing his Jack Bauer character from 24. He’s running through a crowded subway car (which of course is filled with school girls) yelling into his headset like a maniac. I don’t know who he’s talking to, but he’s not saving anyone with that conversation. Anywho, he jumps off the train and starts gulping down what seems to be a liquid version of CalorieMate. Pay attention to how he’s downing that drink. He’s gotta be really thirsty to be THAT intense. His throat almost falls off.

So that’s it. If both Snake AND Jack Bauer are eating CalorieMate I’ve GOTTA try it myself. Thankfully, Phil brings one back from his trip to Japan for me. Yeah, I know its been a while since he’s been back to the States, but I’m not worried. These things are clearly made to survive in a jungle for any given amount of time while being shot at and chased by gators. Mine should be fine.

So there it is. I’ve gotta sat the packaging is pretty decent. The box is a plain yellow and is emboldened with the claim: “Balanced Food”. I guess we’ll see about that! Opening the box gives me this mysterious good wrapped in a foil bag. That foil is a bit tough to open up. Its no slouch. Its got some balls. So lets get a look at just what EXACTLY this thing looks like…

Wow. I wasn’t expecting that. For some reason, I thought it would be chocolate-y. Instead, I get a shortbread-ish cake-stick. Two of them. The box also states that the contents are a “Block”. These are like Twix only not as awesome looking. Hmm…they instantly smell a bit funny too. They’re very hard to the touch as well. Not spongy at all. So here I go…I’m going to take the first bite.

Not bad! That strange smell kind of goes away and is replaced with a light buttery aftertaste. Its almost like a cookie, but definitely not sweet. I must say I do enjoy it. No wonder Snake ate these things like they were going out of style. Maybe that conversation with Jack Bauer up there went something like:

“Jack, do you like little school girls?”

“YES!”

“Jack, does the CalorieMate smell funny, but taste good?”

“YES!”

“Jack, are you a total sell-out?”

“NO!”

There you have it. Jack Bauer is NOT, I repeat, NOT a sellout for doing a CalorieMate commercial in Japan. Hell even Brad Pitt sells jeans there and he still saves babies in third world countries. In closing I’d like to say I completely enjoyed eating the CalorieMate. I feel it successfully satisfied my hunger while at the same time gave me a “balanced food” with which I can save a train apparently stocked full of yet more CalorieMates and little school girls. Sounds like a good time to me.