So here’s a quick story I thought I’d post up here since the Nerdlog is looking lean today.

Its around 4:30 PM and my buddy turns to me asking if I wanted to get out and go get a coffee. I work in NYC, so its no big deal to go for a quick walk and grab something to eat. We put on our coats and after dodging a bunch of deluded sociopaths in the hallway who are under the delusion that they are “actors”, we go outside.

The second -and I mean the second- we got outside I knew we just stepped into something. There were a bunch of guys who we work with out there already grabbing a smoke. The one dude is facing the corner of the building like the guy at the end of “The Blair Witch Project”, and they other two are giggling like school girls blowing smoke out thier noses. My buddy and I stop in our tracks and give them them a quizzical look. One of them points down the street, and just goes, “that guy over there is taking a shit”.

And sure enough, there he was.

The man was pop’n a squat on the corner of Astor Place like he was in the middle of a corn field. It was shocking. His multiple layers of jeans and sweat pants are balled up by his ankles as he drops a duece on the side walk. I only catch a glimpse of that, but I got a pretty good view of what he did next. In lieu of any available toilet paper, he proceeds to take his baseball cap off his head and WIPE HIS ASS WITH IT. He gives it one or two swipes, and then in one fell swoop he completed the deed in the only way that could have made it any better/worse.

He put the hat back on his head.

We stood staring at this for maybe a total of 5 seconds but it felt like an eternity. After topping his pate off with his crap crown, he stood up and started to pull his pants back up. It was done. Unfortunately, my friend and myself had to go that way. We eventually worked up our courage, and walked past him allowing as much space between us and him as possible. I was gonna take a picture of him with my phone, but I was too afraid. I seriously thought he was gonna throw a handfull of feces at me.

Well, when he came back from the store, we took the long way around the block so we could avoid him on the return trip. As we approached the door to our building, he was still down there. Just him hanging out with his own filth. However, this time he was either having a conversation with someone I couldn’t see, or he was practicing his dance moves. He was very animated. We went in and got back to work. As I sat there, I remembered this story, and I wanted to cry.

And that was probably the highlight of my day.