The Castlevania game franchise is one of my personal all time favorites. When Konami released the now classic Symphony of the Night, series director Koji Igarashi felt that the manliness of the Castlevania series should be toned down. They enlisted the aid of self taught illustrator Ayami Kojima to help usher in a new look for the series. In place of the muscle men were womanly muscle men. It’s been 10 years since this transition, roughly 7 games later, and now I just want my barbarians back.

It worked for Symphony of the Night where you play as Alucard, the son of Dracula. In vampire lore, vampires are usually seen as “beautiful people.” Alucard’s look was actually really perfect. He has a super pale almost corpse like complexion, flowing long white hair, and a genderless face. The dude is a vampire, it works.

I like Alucard & this picture a lot, but dude, look at the size of his left hand compared to his other hand, let alone his head. He could crush pumpkins with that thing.

For the most part, I really like Ayami Kojima’s artwork even if her proportions are way off most times (get a load at both PS2 Castlevania covers). However, after playing last years Castlevania: Curse of Darkness for the PS2, I had enough. Not only was Hector, our hero, the lamest Castlevania hero of all time, but the bad guy, Isaac… oh Isaac. Words can barely describe how awful and ugly Isaac looks. Every time he showed up on screen I questioned why I was even playing the damn game. In fact, it’s worth noting that Curse of Darkness is the only Castlevania game I have never finished. Yes, I beat every single Castlevania game, including the elusive (not for long) Dracula X. Isaac is without a doubt one of the worst video game villains of all time. Period.

Any bad guy whose penis is almost showing and has a belly button piercing is disqualified

I’m sorry, Castlevania is about killing monsters. When I kill monsters in Castlevania, I want to play as a guy who would eat the meat off a rotten cow corpse and smile. A guy who, when you look at him the wrong way, makes your house and family explode. Anyone who fights Medusa, Frankenstein, the Mummy, and a giant bat needs to have a hairy chest, I don’t care what Iga says.

After Simon bites that Skeleton’s face in half, he is going to rape that hydra. That’s how Simon rolls.

Iga is forgetting something with each new Castlevania title he puts out. Castlevania isn’t about a bunch of girly men who don’t use whips. Castlevania is about a big freakin’ barbarian whose job is to storm Dracula’s castle and fight monsters from 1930’s cinema with a whip.

That said, I will continue to buy Castlevania games for the rest of my life.